Monday, December 13, 2004

Rough Staff Do and Other Odd Stories

Hurrah! "Invented roughly 8 years ago, the tradition of Xmas Staff Do's is one which is held with pride and no prejudice across Britain, where sad lonely workers attempt to mate to the Office Tart. Sometimes stationery is involved." - says Tom Baker (probably).

Yes, that's right, I'm fresh off the Xmas Staff Do bandwagon along with 18 others from our team of Tech Support agents in Swansea, and boy was it rough. Well, let me re-phrase that. Alot of the night was a real good laugh (which I'll go into detail shortly), but the night did end with two of our resident over-fourty nice guys getting physically assualted by two thugs in a taxi queue, for no reason whatsoever. Not going into detail with this, but they are two guys who basically don't do any harm to anyone, and didn't deserve it in the slightest. Even if one of them annoyed us with this two-cork trick, which by far works best when shown to drunks. Both were taken to hospital; one of them had a nasty cut on the back of his head, most probs needing stitches to the back of his head, other had a cut on his forehead. Otherwise the only other thing that was hurt was the night out, which before this was a good night.

The basic formula for a typical office staff do in our company is to get groups of 12-15 peeps and stuff them into a resteraunt. Once they have dined, pick volunteers from this group and pour the leftovers into a club nearby, shake one, add some tablespoons of tequila and someone making a pillock, then kebabs and bus fare home for all. We had a formula-following xmas this year, which against my better judgement went quite well. If only for the drink. The resteraunt of choice this year was a small Italian's called "Gillini's", which apart from the meun, which was all italian food, was complete run by chinese people. And to be honest, I literally just realised this fact as well lol! I just mentioned it to one of the managers who was there, and he didn't realise either. In terms of food, I've fallen to the phrase "This is stunning, in small amounts". I literally had a small part of sirloin steak, covered in pepper sauce. On the plate accompanying it was a tiny finely cut carrot, and some cress. That was it. I got some bread, and mopped up the pepper sauce out of sheer desperation at one point. £13 for that. Honestly, I could've cooked a 16 oz steak for less than that, and it would've been nicer. But work did pay for it, so their loss heh heh heh.

During our last supper, our manager Anthony rushed to the toilet after spilling tomato sauce over his white shirt. This sparked off a very bizarre event, which was also immensely funny. To call the Men's toilet small was to say that Space is "possibly a bit big" ie it was a cupboard with a lav in the corner. Right in front of this lav was a sink facing to the right, with a mirror. Opposite the mirror was the door. Hopefully you've got this idea in your head of how compact all of this is. Anthony huddles himself by the sink, and is wiping the sauce off his skirt, um shirt rather frantically before it stains. As he's doing this, one of our resident nutters named Bibby walks in, squeezes past Anthony, and quite scarily drops his kegs and starts taking a dump right next to our boss. Cue akward silence, as Anthony is now terrified and scrubbing his shirt for his life, while Bibby is depositing ploppy goodness for gold. What's worse is that once done, Anthony walked out, and left the double doors to the toilet open for a split second, where half of the people eating could quite happily see a Bibby releiving the strain of a bum torpedo.

Other than that, I had to leave early to meet up with me mate Jason (new dad, see prev post) and didn't see anyone until 12.20am where the two lads were assaulted. Shame that it ended on that note, because the night will now primarily be remembered for that incident only.

So, that was saturday, but there's more???? (You almost care).

Reading the News of the World yesterday, and more importantly the Sunday Magazine. Fuck me did I have a shock. About 15 years ago I went to Penlan Comprehensive School for Boys for 5 years, and endured alot of shit there which I won't forget. Some of it was great, but there was alot of bullying etc, which took me a few years to learn to deal with it. Some others weren't as lucky, and were constantly bullied/tormented. One of these was an odd looking bloke called Lee Dark. He used to live about 5 minutes away from my house, and about a year ago me and me dad drove past him and even my father said "Who's that oddbob?". Well it turns out that Lee's been in some huge confusion for pretty much the entirety of his life, and may explain a few things to us to.....

Lee was a girl, and didn't know it!!!!!!

She went through our school and was bullied to hell, went through life as a bloke and never knew until a few months ago. Holy feck!!!!!

First thing I done, I texted about 8 people who was in school with her and all I got was "Holy shit!!!", "Bloody hell!", and the best which was "Fuck me. Oddball country or what?".

I'm not making this up, this is a genuine article that was in this week's Sunday mag. We're all a bit stunned. She's a fecking minger though, I wouldn't. She'd had to have been ugly, to be considered as a bloke for 27 years lmao!


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