Saturday, June 05, 2004

Day after Overtime almost awake....I am the aftermath of 2 days of overtime...

Feeling rough....worked 25 1/2 hours instead of 15....the extra 10 and a half really took it out of me. Thank christ for the weekend, day and a half off and I need it. Need a shave too, am starting to resemble Neol Edmunds. Oh god.

"Nurse, stand back, prepare the syringe, 50mm of Kerosene, and 5 matches stat...we'll burn the fecker off!"

The ritual of having a shave is one of which I don't abide by frequently. Well I do, but that's if you call frequent once a month. Me razor's a Mach3 Turbo, meaning it's only meant to cut you twice instead of eight times. Sometimes I use it too. I'm trying to learn how to perfect the Ancient Art of the Goaty at the mo. I am still a lowly padawan compared to the Jedi Master pictured above. I don't know why George Lucas didn't cast the Edmunds as Obi-Wan, just imagine the Obi-Wan death scene;

Obiwan is walking down a black metallic corridor. Darth Vader steps out behind him.
Vader I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. We meet again, at last. The
circle is now complete.
Obiwan and Vader go at it with varying stab and parry motions, reaching the point where Luke is in a shootout in the background. Obiwan sees this and notices that Darth takes interest in Luke, but not in a gay way.
Obiwan Run Luke, run!
Obiwan turns to Darth and lowers his lightsaber.
Obiwan Strike me down, and I'll come back more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
Vader Fair enough.
So Darth kills him, only to find that he's chopped up a rug. Darth looks spun out.
Luke No!!!!!! Luke isn't quite close enough to see that Obiwan has just disappeared, and is not dead
Luke and the rest run into the Millenium Falcon and that flies out while filling thier pants.
Vader Errrm.....(kicks the robe) that wasn't meant to happen. Guys (turns to rest of Storm Troppers), erm, did anyone see a naked Jedi run past?
Mumbling and the occasional nopes are heard.
Vader Ok...we'll just say I killed him. Sounds cool.
At that point, Noel Edmunds walks in disguised as a Traffic Warden.
Noel Are you allowed to park that rug there sir?
Darth Vader looks around, somewhat baffled by what's going on.
Vader Sorry about that...I'll move it if you want.
Noel I'm sorry, but it is causing an obstruction, I'll have to write you a ticket. You know why we give these tickets sir?
Vader Aw god, I've only been here two minutes, if I move it, can you scrap the ticket?
Just for the effect, Vader uses the Force(tm) to throw the robe onto a passing Storm Tropper, who comically trips over a dead body when trying to see where he's going.
Vader See? It's out the way now.
Noel I've started righting the ticket now's a criminal offence to destroy this sir. I'm not the criminal in this case, that's where you come in.
Vader Oh come on..starts rolling shoulders, looking like he's obviously sulking Well how much is it?
Noel Seventy pounds sir.
Vader Seventy Pounds? And you said I was the criminal!
Noel It can be paid at your local Post Office.
Vader Oh god, that was on Alderaan, and that blew up. Ahead of schedule too. Typical.
Noel Starting to smile now, trying not to laugh Er...well how about Hoth, bit far away, but they got a Post Office there. The Traffic Police accept Postal Orders.
Vader Okay. Sorry about that.
At this poing Mr Blobby enters with six Storm Troppers, all of which are doing the Can-Can.
Mr Blobbly Blobby blobby blobby!
Vader Penny beggining to drop What's going on here?
Noel Opens his traffic warden's jacket to reveal a Gotcha Oscar Gotcha!
Vader Yoooouuu bastard! Starts laughing and hugs Noel I said I'd never get caught, you bastard.
While they are all laughing, Luke comes back with the rest of the Rebellion and blows up the Death Star, while Darth and his goons with Noel are pissed on the after-show party. Thank fuck.

Much better ending than the original, I'm sure that you will agree.

Friday, June 04, 2004

Work Sucks

Oh gawd, the village freak, also known as the Mekon, has just sat down opposite me. What the feck have I done to deserve this? I got 7 hours of this moron yapping to customers on ze phone to go now. I can't beleive it. I'm now considering "Was it worth the overtime?"

This is actually a rather good artist's impression of the freak; his head and face are frigheningly similar to that of the Mekon's; apart from the green we're looking at his passport to be honest. He is of catergory MEGA WINGER EXTREME GURU EDITION, which basically means that he winges until he gets. With anything. He was labelled by the Captain (that's me, that is) as being the Disk Squirrel. He'll winge and whine for you to burn as much for him as possible....even if it won't work for him he'll want it, just for the sake of it. Damn him, he of the big forehead. Damn him and his seating position of just 2 yards from me. Damn him indeed.

Oh no, mega-alert! As well as having Twonkhead the Scrounger opposite me, I've now got someone else sitting next to me, whose just as bad, but for different reasons. Reasons being good ol' Billy Whizz is a well known ex-druggy. He doesn't take the magic dough anymore, but it's left him is a well abuvise state, where he's gotta slap the keyboard instead of typing it. As well as that, he's also got to randomly stand up and walk around, while taking a call. We've seen it where he's on a call and walking about 10 feet from his phone, leaving the cable swinging about, and he almost tripped up 2 managers (almost, shame). Plonker.

Plus, he looks a bit like Blakey from "On the Buses" too. Heh heh heh.


4 hours in, and blood is starting to come from me eyes and ears. Tim Henman has just lost to somebody which no-one's heard of in the semi's (keep that flag flying Tim, right in the runner's up spot lol) and Billy Whizz aint stopped fidgeting. I've tried to bribe him by sending him a link for this cool pool game but that only worked for 10 mins. He's got more concerntration than a ringworm, but the ringworm was a close second.

The Mekon is still opposite me, his headphones are wrapped around his big head like the rings of Saturn (about the same size too, lob headed mutant fecker) and the occasional groan is heard, as mentioned earlier. I've heard that he was made genetically out the DNA of Richard Obrien of Crystal Maze fame and a mad Gypsy woman from Mablethorpe. Would not surprise me in the slightest.

Been losing alot of concerntration today....2nd day of overtime, and I'm starting to feel it. 2 days on the trot working 4 hours extra per day does drain anyone a bit, especially in this kind of job. INTERNET TECHNICAL SUPPORT!!!! That's right, the Captain is one of those. But heed not, for I am not one of those "brought up just for the job" type people, to whom you hear many horror stories. I am the genuine article tech support type - was building these damn machines well before working here. So then....after establishing that I'm tech support, I'd like to point out that it is currently at my 24th hour of tech support, with 23 hours and 5 minutes of tech support given out by myself since yesyerday morning. It is now 6.20pm, and the peeps are not getting any more clever either. I would like to say that I don't personally hold a grudge against any of our customers (except for the ones which ask the impossible, christ, I've some stories of them - more on that in a bit lol), but I blame the people who sell them the products. As an example, 2 years ago, a random granny from Teeside would have thought that Broadband was a new type of knicker elastic, but nowadays we speak to them everyday.
"I can email my kids in Austrailia with Broadband" says one granny from Glasgow. Any particular reason why they are living on the other side of the world? To get away from irritating grannies, that's why. They don't want spam from their gran telling them the best way to cook Yorkshire puddings, hell no, they want the occasional Christmans Card and a letter, that'll do for fecks sake. Bet it takes the average gran 40 minutes to type a single sentenced e-mail anyroads. Too busy putting talcumn powder on or dying lol.

Erm....lost the plot then...where was I? Oh yeah, after working 24 hours out of the last 34 and a half hours speaking to mis-sold products etc it turns out that I'm losing a bit of focus. Yup, that does happen. If only I liked coffee. Damn. I've been opening up interesting webpages, and can't be arsed with any of them lol;

Adventure Quest our workplace tried to block this, dunno why, but they forgot to block the IP address, so it's kept me quiet :)

B3TA the saviour of the Internet, damn good collection of comedy and oddities, and obsessions with Domo.

Play For Your Club Good footy site

Christ I'm bored. Heard this wonderful story in the Sun today. Headlining alongside the tragic death of Britains Princess Di's Mum, who sadly passed away recently, we have a wonderful article on "Ducks have Accents!"

Why did I buy this paper? Oh yeah, for the tits.

PS Lancey wanted a shoutout. Fecking n00b.

Lancey's Blog

Right Lancey, there we go....stop spamming me, or I will spam you back (and I'm a better spammer).

PPS A Little Joke for our reader;

One fine day in the forest, Mr Rabbit is on his daily run when he sees a giraffe rolling a joint. ‘Giraffe, oh Giraffe!’ he calls. ‘Why do you do drugs? Come run with me instead!’ So the giraffe stops rolling his joint and runs with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing lines. ‘Elephant, oh Mr Elephant, Why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead.’ So the elephant stops snorting, and goes running with the other two animals. Then they spy a lion preparing a syringe. ‘Lion, oh Mr Lion’ cries the rabbit, ‘Why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead.’ But no - with a mighty roar, the lion smashes the rabbit to smithereens. ‘No!’ cry the giraffe and the elephant. ‘Why did you do that? All he was trying to do was to help you out!’ The lion growls at them. ‘That fucking rabbit always makes me run around the forest when he's whizzing his tits off.’

Ha fecking ha.

Just deleted 175 work e-mails, 4 of which had something to do with work. And those 4 said the same thing, which we all knew anyway. Then, after discovering that one of our senior members, looks like Gollum, decided to draw a piccy of him, just to wind him up. Gotta make our own fun in work.

A Very Good Morning to all of your Bloggers out there

Hello fellow Bloggers, Captain Jeccius here :)

I've literally just been introduced to this bloggerism of a site; looks rather interesting actually. Looks like a good place to winge, and share all of the good Captain's bad fortunes with the world..heh heh heh. I have been subject to varying degrees of torture - demons delivered straight from the wastes of the Promised land and appeared in the following forms;

1 - Me exhaust fell off - only a Peugot 106 1.1, but still a nice £160 bill for this. Great.

2 - Me works place owes me a nice £500 bonus, which should have been paid to my entire team last month, but HR decided to give us a further boost of help which is to stop us having it, and delaying it all until next month instead. God Bless the HR...may they all die slow with pesticide poisoning.

To cap these two off, I've also got an engagement party to organise (which sadly is my own, bumper fun) and also is my birthday on the beginning of next month. My birthday will be spent throwing stones at kids in the park me thinks....

Still though, been OD'ing on Hell's Kitchen and I've got to say with regards to the new Big Brother, they really dug the retrobates out of the barrel on this one. More tranformed mutants than an 80's toy convention going on at the mo, so unfortunately E4 will be viewing this live 18 hours a day, leaving only the other 6 hours for Friends re-runs (that will upset the Friends fans). I missed the opening night of BB5 unfortunately, heard it was repeated too. Had more important things to do sorry, was [INSERT EXCUSE HERE]. What I did see though, was one of the first BB updates, which had some blonde bloke walking around with his Norweigan delegate hanging out behind an apron. What was worse, some other bloke was wiping sun-cream into his @rse, while the rest of the 'cast' were all laughing like sealions. What a bunch of tards. I'm gonna watch channel 5, just to make a statement.

Going back to Hell's Kitchen, that has been real funny. Actually watching celebs do a hard day's work has been excellent, and watching them squirm and give up is even better. Big up to the ones who didn't quit intentionally, except for Roger Cook that is who lost a fight with a chair lol. The guy takes on the Russian Mafia and buys stolen Uranium, and breaks his knee when sitting on Ikea, the pillock :D

Still though, other than working 13 hour shifts to get as much overtime as possible (which will most probs turn up in my pay a decade next August) life has been nonchalent so to speak :)

More winges soon,

The Captain aka Jeccius

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