Saturday, December 25, 2004

It's Christmas Time....

....I can't beleive I'm doing this on Xmas Day. Just as well I'm halfcut :D've forgotten to leave the Turkey out of the Freezer. It's still frozen. Doesn't get any better than this. It's currently 2.45pm, and we've just begun the cooking expedition. Now there is a problem with this; I'm much better at eating the food, over cooking the stuff. I actually take my hat off to my mother on this; it needs almost military precision to get everything done at the same time, and me mum does it in spades. I'm gonna rename her "General Coghlan" from now on.

Oh yeah, Merry Christmas, you shower of bastards :D

Has heeeeeeee been? He has in our house, got prezzies and everything. Except..........


I want a recount! Every bloody year since I've been born, I've received socks in the arrangement. But not this year, oh no. I didn't even get a pair of comical "almost cartoon character" socks either (you know, resembles a famous character saying something, except the manufacturers don't pay the licencing fee). I'm gutted.

But I had have plenty of clothes etc, which did make up for it. Plus a few DVDs and the complete scripts to Little Britain (which has new material in it, and is ace), which is great.

I normally by tradition have the unfortunate luck of being given stocking fillers too. Which can range from something decent, to something damn right odd. This year, my filler was a thing called a Booz-o-Meter. You basically have a twirly bit of metal attached to a loud speaker, which if you can't get the bar around while not touching the metal, you get a loud smashing sound. Well, I'd may as well sell the Xbox, and while I'm at it bin Half-Life 2 and my PC, as Booz-o-Meter is here. Thought that counts though lol.

Missed Queens Speech. Was in pub instead. Shame :D

Shut up is it? Most probs the same speech from last year, no-one watches it.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Tis The Day Before Christmas....

....when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. Unless you're in work with 400 computers (300 working), plenty of mice there. Bastard.

In work on Christmas Eve, working 8 till 8 as well. Git. Well at least there's the piss up afterwards at me local, so I can at least unwind a bit tonight anyroads. It's been an odd buildup to Christmas this year. Odd for the simple reason that when it's going to hit the actual day tomorrow, that it'll be gone before we know it. All the preparations, all the running about through traffic to buy last minute prezzies, getting the shopping in ready for the big day, and when it turns up we'll be likely sitting down and drinking Carling while watching re-runs of films we half-enjoyed 3 years ago. Fuck, I forgot to buy Carling.

As I started saying in yesterday's post, Christmas is a religious holiday which is meant to represent the Birth Of Christ. But recently this has been blown out of proportion by commercialisation and greedy kids; everyone wants everything, and the kids and companies live off each other for it. 99% of the kids couldn't give a flying fuck who Jesus Christ is (some think it's an insult only to say that), and are just desperate for that present which the parents most probs haven't bought them anyway. Unless you're names Brooklyn Beckham and you wanted a £22,000 Hummer for Christmas that is. Cucky lunt. There again, I was the same when I was a kiddie, didn't give a fuck about the Queen's speech or the Jesus story, and just concernatrated on getting as many Transformers as possible. Christ, they're still going strong aren't they? So is He-Man and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles too (or Hero Turtles if you're in lame as fuck U.K.); both have shite loads of stuff out at the mo and back on TV too. Feck, even Battlestar Galactica has made a try at a comeback. But failed lol. That's because Face from the A-Team wasn't on it.

Whatever happened to Buck Rogers? He kicked ass, even if they did do a crap disco bit in the Buck Rogers movie (Buck teaching them to Disco in the 25th Century, fecking comical).

"Bidi bidi bidi Fuck you Buck!"

Twiggy was far better than Buck in this, and took no shit. He was the 70's equivalent of Ice T, and was gansta tripping over Wilma's ass. Ok, maybe that was a porn film, or a "Christmas Special", I dunno. Still though, Twiggy was pimping his ho's while Buck was out "saving the universe", or killing special effects.

Anyhows, I found out what our members of staff do when they aren't stuck in work at most of the silly hours; they end up in the 24 hour Tescos. Where I saw about 20 members of staff last night shopping. Talk about unsociable fecking hours with the job. I was in Tescos until 11 last night because that was the only time I had available to shop before Christmas. Considering that it was so late, it was a fucking nighmare. The staff were trying to fill up the shelves, while blocking up half of the aisles with the big kick-ass trolleys full of gumph, while we had to try and negotiate around. I almost smacked 6 grannies. What is it about shopping in a supermarket that makes me so fucking infuriated? Is it the fact that you can never find anything? The fact that the missus makes you turn a full trolley around to go down one aisle, then as you start moving down the aisle, makes a quick U-Turn and heads down the next one, leaving you stuck betwen 2 grannies in No-Man's Land? Or is it the fact that there are ALWAYS PEOPLE IN THE FUCKING WAY? Yeah, I think that's the one. You're pushing 1/2 a tonne of shopping about on something with 3 working wheels, and some ignorant fecker always steps out in the way. I've taken the approach of not stopping now, and have knocked over a small child lol. It's also the way in which people glare at you if they've stood in the way, and wonder why you've become mightily pissed at them.'s 90% of the time the WOMEN who do this, not the men. We've been designated the insufferable bastards who've got to push the basket of doom to where-ever they order us, even when they direct us down the wrong aisle, them blame us for taking a minute to turn around. It's WOMEN who walk in front of us while we're desperately trying to control the Reliant Robin impersonator, then glare at us as if we've just invaded Poland. And it's WOMEN who scrutinise the receipts afterwards, and ask us to drive 5 miles back to argue about being overcharged 20p for the tins of beans, when it'll cost about a pound in petrol to get there and back again.

Leave shopping to the women, I say.

Also, check this out; Banned-Aid 20 - parody video of the new Band Aid vid, absolutely comical.

2 Days Left, Not Long Now

Managed to avoid Christmas shopping yesterday....well ok, postpone it until late tonight. Got a 24 hour Tescos up the road, so we may as well use it after I finish work tonight. The Christmas meal is looking more like Microchips every day.

Been a bit of a crap buildup to Christmas; wasn't there meant to be atmosphere, or Christmas Spirit, or Ganja or something? Something to make us feel excited about the event. I mean, most peeps will be lucky if they get loads of goodies and spend time with the family. Isn't that what it's all about? Well no actually. Some twange being born in a stable, then 30ish years later dying on a cross saying "Sorry" apparently. And we're not too sure if that's true either. We've gone from fact to a question of faith by here. This might be tricky. Oh fuck it, I'll start off on Christians now. It is Christmas after all.

What's the deal? Some guy gets beaten, everyone cries, he comes back a few days later and he's all "My dad's a God" in some big cheesey voice, and eveyone loves him. Coma perhaps? Atkins diet for too long? I don't know. But there again neither do the Christians. Yes, they've got the Bible, which has been in their midst for the last 2,000 years, but it's been edited so many times, that God has been given a male image, and Jesus is pale white. I though God was "eternal", possibly meaning that he/she/it had one of each, and was not beleived to be either male or female. Like Lisa Lee Dark from one of my previous posts (see here). Fuck me, I'm not worshipping that. The Church has decided to opt for the "Faith" excuse alot during all of this, which doesn't cut the mustard on the Chrismas Turkey if you ask me. Faith is a scary thing; it changes people who from one line of thinking to the religion's line of thinking, and depending on the situation that can be dangerous. Especially if it kicks in at the wrong time.

Negotiator and guy on ledge on top of a 30 storey building.
N - "Cmon son, it aint worth it. Come down off the ledge."
J - "I can't take it no more, it's too many re-runs of Sons and Daughters on UK Gold, and it isn't even made in the UK, it's from fucking ozzie land. Makes no sense!" (starts crying)
N - "Sons and Daughters never made sense, don't let it get you down. Neither did Neighbours or Home and Away and for that matter Prisoner Cell Block H."
J - "I liked Cell Block H."
N - "Errrr yeah, you are right, was right good that was, sorry."
J - "It's like this book, what's this all about?" (throws a Bible over to the negotiator. The negotiator picks it up and quickly thumbs through it)
J - "It said that God lives and acts in our every actions. What the fuck is that about? I'm not a puppet!" (edges closer to the brink)
N - "Hang on......hmmm...blimey. According to this, God loves us all, and if you fall and die, you've going to live in Heaven with him forever, and everything will be great. This is good shit this is. Is it true?"
J - "Some people think so."
N - "What are we waiting for then?"
Negotiator grips the Jumper's arms and leaps off the building. A few seconds later, there is a large splatting sound. The Jumper is hanging onto the ledge.
J - "Fucking loon. Ok, I'm coming down safely..."

It's like those American Soul Preachers, what the le fuck is that all about. The Power of the Christ ballad is strong, by all accounts. I'm trying to find a decent homepage for one of the fruitcakes...1 sec....Pastor Doug . He's a bit of a fruit 'n' nutcake. Plus he's highlighted the fact that he's a batchelor too. Is that anything to do with Christianity, being a batchelor, or is he on the pull? Did you know that the 1st of these Power Preachers, was actually someone from South Wales in the early 1800's? Because of one of the locals, we wouldn't have had the Blues Brothers. There again, we wouldn't have had Blue Brothers 2000 either, so I don't know if that's a plus or a minus really. One such preacher was Christian Evans from Llandyssul. Do I really need to know this, and secondly why the fuck do I know this?

Also, why don't we get Christian Ninjas? That would kick ass. I've found this , which has terrorists dressed as ninjas attacking Christians. Not quite the same. Fun though :)

Religion is a big dull subject, and around Christmas Christianity takes the limelight mainly because of the birth of Christ, and not the day Santa visits your chimney (euthanism for waste pipe, shitter) and deposits his "load" of presents. Or if you're unlucky, Frank the local paedo taking advantage of your innocence while wearing a Santa's costume.

Christmas, sponsored by the Matrix

Best thing about Christmas, is watching Jason and the Argonauts again. Every fecking year. Tis a good film though :)

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

3 Days, Getting Closer.....

New Form of Karaoke

This is a new form of Karaoke that's apparently taking the Japanese by storm. Instead of following the bouncing ball, you, errrm....follow the bouncing balls. Read the article and you'll see what I mean.

Morning all. Back in work again, and now only 3 days to Christmas. Great time to catch a cold isn't it? I blame work though (lol, I blame them for everything) and I put it down to a fire alarm fomr last night. We were all settled down doing our work; I'd somehow managed to speak to a nice customer (you treasure them in our job, you have a laugh and pass the time helping them out) and the bloody fire alarm goes off. So I had to end the call, and follow the other two hundred people out of the building and stand in the car park for 45 minutes. It turned out that some silly sod decided to smoke a fag in the toilets, and set the alarms off while trying to disguise the smell with a spray. Cheers mate, whoever the fuck you are. After we got back in, it took 5 minutes before I could move my fingers, let alone help anyone else.

And now I'm bunged up, and cheesed off.

If I got the flu on Christmas Day, I'm not going to be best pleased.

Still though, it's two days off from the grinder, so there is some consolation I suppose. I've been invited to 3 different places for Christmas lunch (either parents or a pub across the road), but after some consideration, we've decided to spend it in the house. I'm not doing a Vicar of Dibley affair (ie promise everyone I'll turn up for dinner, and end up doing all 3 on the trot), although some people say I could do it, if I don't have afters lol. So we've gotta do the cooking. The local Fire Station are on standby.

How is it that because I work with computers, every member of the family think I know absolutley anything electrically motivated? "John, you're good on the internet, my calculator's broken." Buy a new one? Learn basic Maths? Or how about fuck yourself blind with a spanner? How the flying fuck should I know? It's worse with me mam unfortunately. She does one thing 27 years ago by dropping my ugly mug out of her crotch, and then that means that she can volunteer my services to any bastard who's ever heard of the internet to them, even if they haven't got a problem. Have you ever had to explain how to do something, or how to fix something to your mother? Fucking nightmare scenario; I get home from the morning part of my shift, settle down and turn my comp on to do a bit of online gaming. My phone, situated next to my comp rings. I hesitantly answer the phone.
"Hi John, is Catherine here."
"Mam's friend?"
"Yeah, that's right."
"Errrr, what can I do for you?"
"I've got this problem with the PC, is asking to reinstall some drivers or something?"
"Righhhhhhht? Errrm, I'm not the best person to speak to about this Cath sorry..."
"Yeah, I've been getting this problem for the last two weeks now, ever since this Kazar thing went on."
"have you...errr...."
"and now we can't get into the internet, and some games don't work either."
"Have you played solitaire? That don't work either."
"Yes I've played.."
"And the wallpaper keeps changing as well, sometimes it turns white and I can't get nothing on it."
"How did you get my number, was it from mam? (I'll kill her)"
"How do I fix it?"
"Take the computer back to where you bought it sorry Cath (And don't ring me again either you fucking loon) . It sounds like the MSDingy file has become corrupted and Windows isn't operating within normal parameters...are you writing this down?"
"MSDingy......yeah, go on."
"And there's a missing DLL file....checking the name of was called the MSCurly.DLL I think."
"That's an odd name."
"Yep, it's so the programmers don't forget it (I'm on a roll now)."
"Anything else?"
"Oh yes, the wallpaper problem is directly related to your printer being too close to the window, and the sunlight is affecting the printer heads. The feedback causes the USB driver to conflict with the socket controller, and effects all screen activities, including wallpaper."
"That's funny, I thought that was unplugged."
"Still, you want to move that printer from the window, try getting it as far away from the light as possible."
"Ok, what else?"
"Almost forgot, there's another file you need to fix too, called the MSWurly.DLL as well, write that down."
"That should fix everything else. So take the computer back and explain the following to them."
"Ok, many thanks John, bye!" Click.

That was 4 months ago, still aint heard from her since. Must've fixed it then, always have problems with those MS Curly Wurly files :D

Basically, DON'T VOLUNTEER ME SERVICES OUT, AND I WON'T TAKE THE PISS! I'll help out when I offer (which I do, but I don't like being ordered into it).

Also, I got cheap-cellotape-glue sickness form wrapping a few presents yesterday. Among the other prezzies, I also bought this toy elephant for the missus, which she'd alrady seen. Im not going to wrap that, just for the simple reason that it would be the "Guess what I bought you luv...I'll give you a clue, it's not a toaster" as she looks at an elephant shaped mess of paper.

If this was wrapped, would you know what it was?

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

4 Days to Christmas, And I Almost Care.....

4 days left, and the only reason I know that is because I had to check the date on the Desktop I'm using. Christ, it doesn't seem like christmas this year. We've got the decorations up (well, singular and not plural, there's a tree and low amounts of strategically placed tinsell), all the cards out (hey, I'm actually quite popular) and two packets of Twiglets in the cupboard.

We've been so busy buying prezzies, that we aint got anything for us (ie food etc).

Problem I got is that I am in work straight up until Christmas Day, as HR are a bunch of shits. "I know, we can't make them work christmas, so we'll take they're normal days off and fuck about with them. Fuck them, they're only staff." So I've gotta find time tomorrow inbetween shifts to sort this crap out.

There again, I could live in Boscastle. They've had it rough (even if they did win silver in the Olympic Coxless Pairs, two guys in a Post Box) and they've still got it tough. The insurance still hasn't paid any of the residents out yet, as they are trying to work out if it's viable and safe to re-build on the land again. Alot of the residents are still homeless from this flooding from August, and are having to use temporary accomodation for Christmas.

Still though, fuck all to do with me :)

I did buy that Band Aid DVD for someone for Christmas though, and I know she don't look at this site so I can type it. So I've done my bit for charity. Anyways, back to insulting stuff.

I bet that Jimmi feels a right twonk, after the Miranda incident (see yesterday's article). Apparently he's been given indefinate leave from the Street, probably because they can't tell him to learn his lines anymore lol.

Found this; Thomas Scott's Flash Site is a touch of class. Not as in a "teacher's touch of a pupil in detention" kind of touch, but a pleaseant one. Needs sound for all the best stuff though.

Also found a cool Stick Art anim.

Omg, this is quite funny actually. People caught speeding, and here are some of the things people have used as excuses. Classic.

If these guys aren't gay, no-one is. As an example;


Also found Erotic Origami , which has really led me to beleive that people really are bored in this world.

EDIT: just found this, The Insane Cats, which hosts some amazing flash movies, including the entirety of The Two Towers, in matchstick format!

Other Bits 'n' Bobs

David Blunkett found out that after all the hassle with him having a bastard son and being forced out of Parliment, that Kimberley Quinn has been seeing two other blokes as well. The hussy lol. He'll be joining Fathers 4 Justice soon, that'll sort it.

Michael Jackson has had his appeal quashed in the courts, after the Defence tried to say that Michael's a "public target". The judge thought so too, as he said he'd see the paedo in court in 6 weeks time. Well ok, he didn't say paedo, but it was in his voice, you could tell.

Sharon Osbourne may have been kicked out of the next up and coming X-Factor, before it even started, mainly because her and Simon conflict too much. Christ, that was the only reason worth watching the crap to be honest. And I'm not watching Casualty instead, unless the nurses look fit and les off every once in a while. Otherwise I'm not watching that either.

Oh, and in the news, I wrapped my Christmas presents earlier. That was in the paper as well.

A typical wrapped present, before it's returned for cash.

I hope to God everyone's kept the receipts for all the Christmas prezzies. There always seems to be something smashed in them, not everything of course, but just the one present. Just to make the other presents look worthwhile I suppose.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Well well well.....

Life's a bitch and then you find one in the News of the World.

News Of The World article

This is fecking classic; a known actor who has been the centre of a major storyline in on one of the U.K.'s biggest soap operas, taking drugs and sleeping of our Ex-Managers Miranda "The Village Bike" Lipinski lmfao!!!!!

2 weeks on the trot and I've known someone from me paper, amazing. Last week it was the guy who was in the same year as us for 5 years, then turned out to be a woman (still laffing at her misfortune lol) , and now this week Miranda (who used to be the works darts champion - more pricks than a second hand dartboard) has had an affair with Jimmi Harkishin from Coronation Street. The article is taken completely from her perspective, and looks like she set him up for the sex. I'm not saying it was her choice that they ended up doing cocaine, as he stuck it up his own nose and sniffed his brains out himself. But it seems sooooooooo damn conveiniant that there's a hidden camera lined up perfectly to take the photos of him sniffing it. Oh my god, have you read this crap?!?!?!? "But I got worried when they started talking about threesomes and I made it clear I wasn't into that kind of scene." BOLLOCKS!!!!!! Unless of course she was on about she's normally into at least 8 or 9. You she, Miranda is a dirty slag, and I say that as an identifying speech, rather than an insult. She's had sex with other members of staff in my workplace, including one of me mates, which I won't say his name as James is a bit shy. A few years back I went on another friends Engagement Night out, and we were also with a group of lesbian friends. We ended up at a gay club in Swansea called the H2O Club in the Marina (I'm not homophobic by the way, each person to themselves, as long as they don't enforce their opinion on others) . While in there, who should run past but Miranda dragging a girl into the toilets while having fun, so to speak. She's been known to get involved in various sex acts, which before we had heard of but not witnessed. But as the saying goes "If you chuck enough shit some sticks", and we'd seen enough shit to know that this is true. Her husband must be reeling.

Oh my god, I forgot to tell you, she's married lmao! Stuart Lipinski; there's a man with a nervous disposition. And who could blame him? Every time his back is turned, she's off screwing something or someone else, and now is making money from it too. Stuart was another manager with us around the time where she worked here, and she was seeing him for a while. Even in work, if any bloke went to ask her something trivial to do with work, he'd leggit over to her and try to butt into the conversation. I'd say it was bordering on pathetic, but it was well past that lol. He almost started a fight at one of the Staff Do's because my manager at the time (a legendry drinker by the name of Neil Harris, great bloke) made a few sex jokes while standing within 10 yards of Miranda. These jokes were being told to me and a mate, and we weren't even looking at "her highness" either. Stuart walks upto Neil and accuses him of taking the piss out of his wife and asks him to step outside. Now Stuart is a big bloke, but Neil's bigger. You don't accuse a 6 foot 5 ex doorman of something that he hasn't done, because that would just be a bit suicidal. Thankfully we managed to convince Neil to go home, as he would've ended up killing either Stuart, or some other poor bastard instead.

To the best of my knowledge, Stuart is still married to her, as she still holds his married name in the News of the World article. No offence, no matter how pretty she is, the first time she slept with someone else would've been the last, and her ass would've have hit the pavement outside quicker than her suitcases.

No matter how pretty she is, she's still a cock whore

Edit: just found out that Stuart's finally plucked up the balls and split up with the dirty little trollop. Maybe he's turned into Michael Douglas from Falling Down.

Also just found this;

Grab A Grand Homepage

It's the show Miranda's working on at present, I mean ffs. It's the tits channel all over again.

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