Friday, January 07, 2005

First up....

Cheeers for this link Pogo :)

Men Who Really Should Know Better - does what it says on the link. I love the statement at the bottom of the page too, "THIS IS NOT A SEX OR A PORN SITE" lol. Thanks for telling us matey.

Pamela Anderson's released a new fashion range, for dogs. Why? Click here to read about it. Insert your own "dog" joke here.

I'm now back in work (hurrah!), but still not 100% from the flu. Aint been getting regular sleep over the last few days, as I'm just been sleeping whenever. So I'm looking at the keyboard and thinking it looks really comfortable. tudcrfgciukttyiukcucgty. Sorry, leaned on the keyboard there. Considering that I was on the road at 7.45am this morning, and most people are still off for Christmas (ie all the kids), there was hell of alot of traffic on the roads this morning. Almost had two accidents to work (I normally stop at the one, but hey, it's 2005), both were on the same stretch of road in the city centre. Two lane traffic upto a set of traffic lights, and someone thought it would be a laugh to cut up the car in front of me as we were both approaching an amber light. Cue two cars slamming on (mine not trying to go into the back of the one that was cut up, a blue Ford Ka). The culprit stormed ahead through red however, leaving us cursing. Don't really know why, because when we got to the next set of lights, that cutter-upper was stuck at them instead. So we drive through the lights when they turn green, and go straight ahead.

The second one involved me alot more, which is a bit more annoying. Here is a map of Parc Tawe , which I have to drive through to get to work. The road I was on is the top heading left to right, which leads out onto a set of lights, and a dual carriageway bridge. On the bridge, there are two lanes; left turn only (leads to Llansamelet) and a straight on/turn right lane leading to St. Thomas and Fabian Way retrospectively. These lanes are seperated by a thick set of "Do not cross" double-white lines. But...what some twunts like to do is this. They see that there are about ten cars in the left turn only lane, and drive up the other lane instead, where there's normally less traffic queuing. When the lights turn green, they drive up the lane, and cross the double whites (how dare they!), normally cutting up alot of cars and jumping the queue by about three cars. Like, they'll get to work any quicker the twanges. Some clever twunt decided to jump the queue by two cars this morning, by almost ramming me off the bridge. I had to slam on as he just swung the car into my lane, missing my bumper by about 2 metric inches (that'll confuse the metric and non-metric users alike, mixing the two scales). He then waved, as if to say "oh thanks for letting me in, awfully good off you". License to drive near his rear bumper all the way to work initiated. Granny twange, hope he's found in a ditch.

Yey, 1st call back in work, and it is a granny shouting at me. The brilliance of this one, is the problem and the solution. The problem is that she can send e-mails to her friends, but when they reply, they get "invalid recipient". 99 times out of 100 it's because on her computer she has the wrong reply address setup. I suggest this saying "ahh we've seen this before madam, 99 times out of 100 it's this that causes this". Apparently I made a mistake by saying this, as I was given a right mouthful and not allowed to walk her through how to fix this. So why did she ring? Feck knows.

I've been thinking over the last couple of days, about times I'd spent in school. Now alot of people go through this phase, and it's only because a few guys on my team all went to the same school and were talking about it, that it got me thinking about mine. It's hard for me to think about any happy days there, as I was bullied for the majority of it, due to "having a brain". Alot of the local trolls couldn't understand that, and took it out on me physically instead. Love school, I do. Was a bit rougher for us too, as we all attended an all-male comprehensive. Still though, there were some real nutters there, and that aint including the pupils. To remain anon on this, I'll just go by the nicknames instead.

Powder-Puff - our ever suffering Form Teacher, whom we had to register with in the mornings to let them know we weren't mitching (skipping school). She wore an almost circus amount of makeup, which must have lead to neck injuries, as she is now wheelchair bound. Apparently she was fired for slapping a kid across the face in one lesson (I'm not making this up by the way, that was the word going around).

Killer Morgan - one of the history teachers, whom also supervised the school library. Actually quite a nice bloke once you gave him the time of day, and made an effort to help the pupils (no paedo references made or required). Unless of course you didn't know him, and did something stupid in front of him. Oh god. Our first ever lesson with him was in the 3rd year (out of 5), and it involved him throwing a chair at a well dented filing cabinet. Obviously this was a well rehearsed introduction, which we didn't appreciate as all of us burst out laughing.

Twisty - quite a nice blokey. Geography teacher (and head of the Geography department) with a bright red face, almost like that of an indian (as in red indian with teepee, not racist). He was ok, tried to run with a few jokes, but fell into loads of punchlines with the quick witted kids. As an example, a guy called Stuart who was in our class asked him in class the following;
"So Twisty, you know you and your wife?"
"Has your son know...heard you it?"
"No Stuart."
"So then, maybe you're not doing it right."

Deaf Lloydy - now here's a twat. This guy was a teacher of geography, and also doubled up as a PE teacher. From as early as the month that we were in school there, we knew that there was something "not quite right" with him, as when one of the kids in our class asked "Can I go to the toilet please?" Lloydy answered "The pencils are in the cupboard". He was a nasty bastard though, picking the trouble makers up by their biceps and dangling them there while they shouted out stuff like "Let me go Lloydy you daft bastard that really hurts".

Anderson, sometimes know as Doctor Who - a Physics teacher, who was as daft as two nuts and twice as stupid in an emergency. He claimed that being able to draw perfect circles was a sign of insanity, as he drew one on the blackboard. Come to think of it he reminded me hell of alot of Tom Baker. A kid once wired a power transformer into itself, and turned it upto 12 volts. If you've ever done this, it's like sticking a wire into the + and - of a plug socket, and turning the plug on. The power has no-where to go and burns itself out. The same thing happened to this transformer. Fire erupted out of the top of the box, much to the terror of Doc Who, who legged it out the back, then came out WITH A BUCKET OF WATER. We all shit ourselves, even though the fact that we were still learning adolescents, we knew that water on a transformer was bad news, and legged it to the back of the classroom to watch :D He threw it over, which somehow put it out, but didn't electrocute him, and only then did he go out to the back to turn the mains circuit breaker off. Twange.

Mainwaring - unfortunately now deceased. A biology teacher who was quite simply a fecking loon. Always looking for having a laugh somewhere, and cheered us up no end. A mad skinny wrinkled ginger bloke who made jokes about anyone, or anything, then teached secondly. The only problem was, because he was like this it was very hard to concerntrate on the work he provided to us, because you'd remember the laugh instead. Although I'm not complaining mind you, biology is crap anyroads :D He used to brag how he had a black belt in Origami, and kick people up the arse who didn't hand their homework in on time. He was dictating a monologue on plants once, and he went upto a kid who was known to have a lisp. He then uttered the line "This process is known as photosynthesis. That's phohofinfefish Leigh." Oh dear, and we thought the pupils were bad with bullying; check out the next one.

Ginger Williams - christ, even the other teachers called him Ginge. Damn good teacher, taught us alot, and was a complete torturous bastard when he saw a laugh oppertunity. There was this one kid who joined the school when I was in the last year, called Mark Stone. He looked alot like this , which I couldn't help but put on a badge and sell on . Ginger took him under his wing, and led to some of the funniest moments in school ever. For example, everytime Mark walked into the room "The Addams Family" was hummed and clicked by everyone including Ginger. Mark confided in Ginge and told him about a family picnic, where all the flumps were out in the summer on a day trip down Singleton Park. And they taped it. Ginge, the genius, not only got Mark to bring the tape in, but also managed to borrow the Resources T.V. and Video Recorder, and watched it with the rest of the class as Mark gave high-pitched commentry on the preceedings (he had an odd voice, like that of Mr Hanky from South Park).

I'm not being nasty when saying this, but Mark should not have gone to that school, as he was backwards to a certain degree and needed extra help. The other kids took hellish comedic advantage of him, and he always ended up crying. I was walking through the canteen once on lunch break, and found Mark crying on the steps, and two kids running off laughing. So I though, "oh balls, better get a teacher then." I went to the staff canteen (as they ate seperate to us, can't blame them) and the only teacher there who was leaving was Ginge. I told him what happened and he asked me to lead him to Mark. When we got to Mark, Ginge asked him if everything was OK and Mark responded by screaming "Gerrawayfrommeyaaaaaaaa!" in his high pitched voice, and ran away crying. Ginge turned to me smirking and said "Ohhhhhh matron!", laughed, then run after him.

There was alot more which happened there, I'll have to go over it again, can't be arsed now.


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