Saturday, January 08, 2005

Tis A Week Into 2005.....

....that means there's only 51 left. That was quick.

Started using Blogexplosion properly yesterday (check out the link at the bottom of the page if you have a blog yourself and want to promote it free of charge). The basic concept is that if you browse other people's blogs through them, they promote yours more. Not a bad idea actually, considering that there are thousands upon thousands registered on there. Amazing.

What I have noticed though is that there's alot of blogs about religion. Sod going out and spreading the word, we'll leave that to the blogger to discover us. That's just lazy. Ain't religion all about going out and forcing your opinions upon someone who cannot believe in his/herself but can in an imaginary 3rd party e.g. a deity? Oops, said too much. Ok, I'm only joking about that, honest guv :)

Going back to the point, people are blogging about any old crap. I mean look at this blog. I've been using this like a personal diary for the last few weeks, and it really does put my life into some kind of perspective (as in I've seen some funny shit). I lived in what is considered locally as a rough area for about 10 years (for the locals, a place called Blaen-y-maes in Swansea, look it up). Thankfully I lived in a quiet part of it, and my parents were not pure scum which helped. Alot of the neighbours were nice, even if my old next-door-neighbour's son was a convicted murderer (I kid you not, was involved with the Danny Dyke murder in the 80's). The primary school I went to was an oasis in a desert so to speak. The trouble was only outside there. I was once mugged by two kids for £5, which resulted in my dad tracking down the kid (who lived about ten houses down from me) and watch his dad batter the fiver back to us. I've seen joyriders crash cars (I've actually seen three of these to date), a drunk driver plough into a wall, put out a fire in a flat using two litre water bottles dropped down by a tennant, been electrocuted on a farmers fence and had barbed wire wrapped around my neck. Nothing else immediately springs to mind though lol.

After all that, I moved to Penlan and lived there for 13 years (unlucky for some). Penlan is a more widespread version of Blaen-y-Maes, and somehow we found another quiet corner which was exempt from alot of the trouble. Not all of it though. We've caught people in our garden at 2am, had a burnt out car behind our house every other night for two months, until the local council decided to build concrete bollards to prevent the joyriders from getting there. Admittedly, owning a 10 stone Labrador-Rotweiller helped though, which made most people think twice about trying to break in. Me dad owned a completely crap and rather embarrasing car too (which he's sold now and got a Peugot thank god!) , which was a luminous orange/red FSO, which was a shed with wheels. Me dad described it's colour as using anti-theft technology to a neighbour once. Still, someone tried to nick it. People will nick anything for no reason whatsoever.

Imagine this in luminous red/orange, would you nick it?

One day in Penlan, was on the way to a night out and waiting at a bust stop with one of my friends Blonde Jonny. A small white transit van broke down across the road from us (it sounded like a burst tyre), and five kids got out and legged it in all directions. Me and Jonny looked at the van for about a minute, and we both decided to ring it in. As we were about to leave the bus stop though, the kids come back, changed the fecking tyre and carried on joyriding! We couldn't beleive it, the cheeky bastards. Then a few weeks later, after being on the town and getting out of a taxi at 2am, I was walking past the Penlan Social Club and heard a car screeching and revving towards me, from my right. I glance around and see a car speeding towards a roundabout, but way too fast for it to be controlled. The car subsequently went onto the pavement and ploughed into a lamp post across the road from me. Five chavs hop out of the car and leggit in every direction. Tis barmey, and no mistake. I was expecting Starsky and Hutch to be chasing them, but to be honest, I was halfcut legless, Mr Magoo on a horse wouldn't have surprised me.

Aye, seen some mad things up there, even had gun sieges and kidnappings too. Thought the school was bad, but the pupils have got to come from somewhere. One of the guys we caught in our garden was a guy called Karl Ali (spelling's probably wrong, but I aint going to make the effort to find it out). He lived about five doors down from me, and he was a right pure scum. I drove past him five years ago in Swansea city centre, and he was standing on the pavement drinking cider, and hurling abuse at everyone who drove past. Nice bloke. Well, one morning, one of our neighbours from opposite us, a tall girl (can't remember her name, nice girl though), lives in a downstairs flat. She went into the upstairs flat to pick up something-or-other, and left her front door open. Only for about two minutes. During that time, Karl see's the door open from his house across the road, leg's it over, nicks a £200 mountain bike out of her flat, and puts it straight into his house. Now, I'm not using the word "allegedly", because the bastard did do this. The reason I know why is because what happened next. The girl goes back to her flat, immediately notices that her bike is missing. She calmly closes her door, walks straight over to Karl's house (he had a reputation before this incident), and knocks on the door.
"Can I have my bike back please Karl?"
"Dunno what you're on about."
"I mean the bike that's behind you, in the hall."
"Eh?" - it was right behind him in clear view.
She grips him by the neck, and instead of going into the house, drags him into the street. She then starts shouting for all of us (as in the neighbours) to come out, explains what he's done, and proceeds to publically beat him in front of us, much to our amusement. Once she's done, she leaves him on the floor, get's her bike back and goes home. We never saw him after that (oh, and the cider incident was the last time I ever saw him).

Women are great when they're angry :D

EDIT: lol! Click this for some demands, and this if you are a regilious freak.

Friday, January 07, 2005

First up....

Cheeers for this link Pogo :)

Men Who Really Should Know Better - does what it says on the link. I love the statement at the bottom of the page too, "THIS IS NOT A SEX OR A PORN SITE" lol. Thanks for telling us matey.

Pamela Anderson's released a new fashion range, for dogs. Why? Click here to read about it. Insert your own "dog" joke here.

I'm now back in work (hurrah!), but still not 100% from the flu. Aint been getting regular sleep over the last few days, as I'm just been sleeping whenever. So I'm looking at the keyboard and thinking it looks really comfortable. tudcrfgciukttyiukcucgty. Sorry, leaned on the keyboard there. Considering that I was on the road at 7.45am this morning, and most people are still off for Christmas (ie all the kids), there was hell of alot of traffic on the roads this morning. Almost had two accidents to work (I normally stop at the one, but hey, it's 2005), both were on the same stretch of road in the city centre. Two lane traffic upto a set of traffic lights, and someone thought it would be a laugh to cut up the car in front of me as we were both approaching an amber light. Cue two cars slamming on (mine not trying to go into the back of the one that was cut up, a blue Ford Ka). The culprit stormed ahead through red however, leaving us cursing. Don't really know why, because when we got to the next set of lights, that cutter-upper was stuck at them instead. So we drive through the lights when they turn green, and go straight ahead.

The second one involved me alot more, which is a bit more annoying. Here is a map of Parc Tawe , which I have to drive through to get to work. The road I was on is the top heading left to right, which leads out onto a set of lights, and a dual carriageway bridge. On the bridge, there are two lanes; left turn only (leads to Llansamelet) and a straight on/turn right lane leading to St. Thomas and Fabian Way retrospectively. These lanes are seperated by a thick set of "Do not cross" double-white lines. But...what some twunts like to do is this. They see that there are about ten cars in the left turn only lane, and drive up the other lane instead, where there's normally less traffic queuing. When the lights turn green, they drive up the lane, and cross the double whites (how dare they!), normally cutting up alot of cars and jumping the queue by about three cars. Like, they'll get to work any quicker the twanges. Some clever twunt decided to jump the queue by two cars this morning, by almost ramming me off the bridge. I had to slam on as he just swung the car into my lane, missing my bumper by about 2 metric inches (that'll confuse the metric and non-metric users alike, mixing the two scales). He then waved, as if to say "oh thanks for letting me in, awfully good off you". License to drive near his rear bumper all the way to work initiated. Granny twange, hope he's found in a ditch.

Yey, 1st call back in work, and it is a granny shouting at me. The brilliance of this one, is the problem and the solution. The problem is that she can send e-mails to her friends, but when they reply, they get "invalid recipient". 99 times out of 100 it's because on her computer she has the wrong reply address setup. I suggest this saying "ahh we've seen this before madam, 99 times out of 100 it's this that causes this". Apparently I made a mistake by saying this, as I was given a right mouthful and not allowed to walk her through how to fix this. So why did she ring? Feck knows.

I've been thinking over the last couple of days, about times I'd spent in school. Now alot of people go through this phase, and it's only because a few guys on my team all went to the same school and were talking about it, that it got me thinking about mine. It's hard for me to think about any happy days there, as I was bullied for the majority of it, due to "having a brain". Alot of the local trolls couldn't understand that, and took it out on me physically instead. Love school, I do. Was a bit rougher for us too, as we all attended an all-male comprehensive. Still though, there were some real nutters there, and that aint including the pupils. To remain anon on this, I'll just go by the nicknames instead.

Powder-Puff - our ever suffering Form Teacher, whom we had to register with in the mornings to let them know we weren't mitching (skipping school). She wore an almost circus amount of makeup, which must have lead to neck injuries, as she is now wheelchair bound. Apparently she was fired for slapping a kid across the face in one lesson (I'm not making this up by the way, that was the word going around).

Killer Morgan - one of the history teachers, whom also supervised the school library. Actually quite a nice bloke once you gave him the time of day, and made an effort to help the pupils (no paedo references made or required). Unless of course you didn't know him, and did something stupid in front of him. Oh god. Our first ever lesson with him was in the 3rd year (out of 5), and it involved him throwing a chair at a well dented filing cabinet. Obviously this was a well rehearsed introduction, which we didn't appreciate as all of us burst out laughing.

Twisty - quite a nice blokey. Geography teacher (and head of the Geography department) with a bright red face, almost like that of an indian (as in red indian with teepee, not racist). He was ok, tried to run with a few jokes, but fell into loads of punchlines with the quick witted kids. As an example, a guy called Stuart who was in our class asked him in class the following;
"So Twisty, you know you and your wife?"
"Has your son know...heard you it?"
"No Stuart."
"So then, maybe you're not doing it right."

Deaf Lloydy - now here's a twat. This guy was a teacher of geography, and also doubled up as a PE teacher. From as early as the month that we were in school there, we knew that there was something "not quite right" with him, as when one of the kids in our class asked "Can I go to the toilet please?" Lloydy answered "The pencils are in the cupboard". He was a nasty bastard though, picking the trouble makers up by their biceps and dangling them there while they shouted out stuff like "Let me go Lloydy you daft bastard that really hurts".

Anderson, sometimes know as Doctor Who - a Physics teacher, who was as daft as two nuts and twice as stupid in an emergency. He claimed that being able to draw perfect circles was a sign of insanity, as he drew one on the blackboard. Come to think of it he reminded me hell of alot of Tom Baker. A kid once wired a power transformer into itself, and turned it upto 12 volts. If you've ever done this, it's like sticking a wire into the + and - of a plug socket, and turning the plug on. The power has no-where to go and burns itself out. The same thing happened to this transformer. Fire erupted out of the top of the box, much to the terror of Doc Who, who legged it out the back, then came out WITH A BUCKET OF WATER. We all shit ourselves, even though the fact that we were still learning adolescents, we knew that water on a transformer was bad news, and legged it to the back of the classroom to watch :D He threw it over, which somehow put it out, but didn't electrocute him, and only then did he go out to the back to turn the mains circuit breaker off. Twange.

Mainwaring - unfortunately now deceased. A biology teacher who was quite simply a fecking loon. Always looking for having a laugh somewhere, and cheered us up no end. A mad skinny wrinkled ginger bloke who made jokes about anyone, or anything, then teached secondly. The only problem was, because he was like this it was very hard to concerntrate on the work he provided to us, because you'd remember the laugh instead. Although I'm not complaining mind you, biology is crap anyroads :D He used to brag how he had a black belt in Origami, and kick people up the arse who didn't hand their homework in on time. He was dictating a monologue on plants once, and he went upto a kid who was known to have a lisp. He then uttered the line "This process is known as photosynthesis. That's phohofinfefish Leigh." Oh dear, and we thought the pupils were bad with bullying; check out the next one.

Ginger Williams - christ, even the other teachers called him Ginge. Damn good teacher, taught us alot, and was a complete torturous bastard when he saw a laugh oppertunity. There was this one kid who joined the school when I was in the last year, called Mark Stone. He looked alot like this , which I couldn't help but put on a badge and sell on . Ginger took him under his wing, and led to some of the funniest moments in school ever. For example, everytime Mark walked into the room "The Addams Family" was hummed and clicked by everyone including Ginger. Mark confided in Ginge and told him about a family picnic, where all the flumps were out in the summer on a day trip down Singleton Park. And they taped it. Ginge, the genius, not only got Mark to bring the tape in, but also managed to borrow the Resources T.V. and Video Recorder, and watched it with the rest of the class as Mark gave high-pitched commentry on the preceedings (he had an odd voice, like that of Mr Hanky from South Park).

I'm not being nasty when saying this, but Mark should not have gone to that school, as he was backwards to a certain degree and needed extra help. The other kids took hellish comedic advantage of him, and he always ended up crying. I was walking through the canteen once on lunch break, and found Mark crying on the steps, and two kids running off laughing. So I though, "oh balls, better get a teacher then." I went to the staff canteen (as they ate seperate to us, can't blame them) and the only teacher there who was leaving was Ginge. I told him what happened and he asked me to lead him to Mark. When we got to Mark, Ginge asked him if everything was OK and Mark responded by screaming "Gerrawayfrommeyaaaaaaaa!" in his high pitched voice, and ran away crying. Ginge turned to me smirking and said "Ohhhhhh matron!", laughed, then run after him.

There was alot more which happened there, I'll have to go over it again, can't be arsed now.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

I Hate The Flu

Which I've currently got. I feel like I'm absolutely burnt out. I'm sitting here in the flat with it, as yesterday afternoon, it pounced on me and I woke up at 4.15 wondering what the feck is going on. I rang into work, which decided to mark me as UUA, as I was to contact them within an hour before the start of my shift, and not 45 minutes before (they need a full hour, to dial my manager's number and say "he's not in, ill", they can't do that in 45 minutes). So I'm in the house with Max Strength Lemsip tablets, regretting life etc.

Went down the Doc's earlier. As well as waiting 75 minutes to be seen (hooray for the NHS) I also learnt that as well as having the flu with Dermititis, I also have a Frozen Left shoulder. Due to typing too much, obviously, not the w word at all to blame for this issue :p Great trap this is; people who say they don't wank do it on fag breaks as well, as saying they don't is 110% proof that they are the biggest wankers that you ever met, even if they are women. Anyway, whatever caused it is regardless(I don't wank, honest guv), but the damn aching in me shoulder is making it harder to type. And the light is making my eyes sting as well. And me nose is blocked. Hate the flu. So, I've been struck off work until Friday to sort myself out, and spend some quality time in bed. Or writing this blog. I've slept more hours than cats in the last two days, and they sleep two thirds of the time (that's 32 out of the last 48 hours for the thick twunts out there).

I've still managed to find some interesting crap on the net though, to keep the regulars amused. For example, Survivor is a game based on actual disasters which pits the player in dealing with helping out at Ground Zero. This game is an actual console title, which is out soon on PS2. What draws my attention to this, is that when it was in development, they actually made a September 11th level, dealing with the Twin Towers. Sick bastards. Thousands of people die in one of the most horrific terrorist attacks ever, and people try to make money off it by making a game. There again, there's been so many war games, that we can't really criticize this title as much as we first would have imagined. As an example, Medal Of Honor is a very highly critically acclaimed World War 2 game, which I myself have played through to the finish and enjoyed too. The fact that alot of the German army were kids, and alot of the service men were told to fight or get killed by your neighbour was irrelivant however. They're all bad guys, kill them all, hurrah! Great game. I suppose no-one deserved the Sept 11th at all, but there again no-one deserved the 2nd World War either. There are daft arguments either side, and there's always some twunt who will try to argue it. Me personally, Sept 11th was only a few years back, wait until everyone has accepted what happened there, before prodding it with a money grabbing stick you sick bunch of grave-robbing bastards.


Fancy trying to cure a sheep who thinks he's a dog? Click here. This is a completely fecked up version of Animal Hospital if I ever saw one.

What is it about pet clothing websites that make me want to laugh?

Poor git, bet he feels a right ponce

Will type more when I can be arsed. Hate the flu.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

The Aftermath Of My Living Room

Working on a split shift rota (going to work twice a day for the numpties who don't understand) normally means that you want to rest, or do what is needed within the few hours gap, before heading back to work. At least it normally does for me anyway. But not yesterday, oh no. I had to make a side journey on the way home first, upto my parents house a few miles in the opposite direction. Had to pick up some boxes so I could load up me car with expired Christmas decorations. We do this because I live in a flat, and we have not got any room to store anything in our current accomidation, and most stuff gets dumped in the spare room at my parents house god bless them. This wasn't the bad bit.

The bad bit wasn't also being stuck in traffic from my parents house to my own either, was slow going, but no real problems as such (even if most drivers in Swansea are absolute arseholes).

The bad bit was getting home and finding that my living room looked like Thailand (that's not an insult by the way to the tsunami victims, that's just an analogy). I video'd it and put the link on yesterday's post, but here's the link again (you will need something like Real Media Player, or whatever, I don't know, to view it). Excuse the commentry :D

I got to my flat front door, and while carrying two boxes, managed to unlock it and stumble into my flat. I can't really see the horror that's awaiting me as I've got 2 bloody boxes in me hand, and am just stumbling upto the kitchen unit to disperse these. I kick the door closed behind me, put the boxes down and then see it. The entire unit has been emptied onto the floor and surrounding bits of furniture, in no particular order, and the unit is just sitting there empty, and looking guilty. No sign of the wife by the way either, she's nowhere to be found in the flat whatsoever. So I'm thinking two things; either I've been burgled, or the missus is a psycho when she starts cleaning. After a few minutes, I remembered that she said she was going to clean the unit, so I don't bother ringing the Police. Instead, I put my bag down on the floor on the edge of the living room abyss, and thought "I need to lay down for a bit". So I walk into the bedroom. To find the bed stripped, and a matress looking at me, almost saying Don't touch me, I'm all naked!!!! I can't even lay down in my own flat, this is not fun anymore. I figure that the wife's gotta be around here somewhere (as in she wouldn't strip the place and leggit without her handbag which was still in the kitchen). The only other place she could be is in the upstairs flat, which is where her parents live. Now Adele's parents are actually most probably the best Mom and Dad in Law's I could've asked for. Anything we need, or willing to help with and they make the maximum of effort for us. They are not intrusive either, and a good laugh too. How'd I manage that one? I hope they don't read this, they'll kick my ass :p

So I go upstairs, and there's everyone yapping away, and Adele's sitting there all happy. Gina, Adele's mom, asks me what I think of downstairs. Without saying a word, I pull out my mobile and play what I just recorded from the living room.

Two minutes later Adele was excused from her parents flat and was back downstairs with me tidying up the damn mess. By the time we finished though, it was 3.25pm, and I left to go back to work. I'm the walking dead at the moment.

Also (yes, there's more), my cooker decided to break down. Not in the conventinal way though, oh no, that would be too easy, by far. Oh no, what this fecker decided to do was to break so that it wouldn't turn off. The knob on the front of it with the oven controls, decided to snap a while back, and even though it was hanging off, we could still turn the oven on and off. The off switch inside the dial snapped by the looks of it, and we were cooking up until close to midnight. I had to climb under a cupboard to unplug the bastard. Not the kind of yoga I was planning to do at night really. day today is calling the landlord after work to find out if they can fix the cooker. And that's after visiting the dentist. Which I can never get out of, as me wife is a Dental Receptionist by trade. Yey, teeth to be drilled out then as a gumby ring up the landlord and trying to get the cooker done without dribbling too much. And then back in work. Life is great.

I'm real tired right now. My chest feels aching, and I can't be fecked to drink Red Bull. Sleep would be great right now, but when you're in work some people may take offence. I almost had a car accident on the way to work. Some guy walked out in front of my car as I was driving. I slammed on, wound down the window and shouted "What are you, blind?" He walked out past the front of my car and as it was, he was blind, he had the white stick and everything I swear to god. As soon as he got out of the way I drove and shrank into my car seat, hoping to be eaten by the world. Laughing like feck at it now though :D

Random Funny Pic of the Day

So reincarnation is possible....

Also, check this out - Can you spare a few coins for a poor squirrel?

And, this poor girl's blog - Why-can't-I-have-fun?

Monday, January 03, 2005

News Just In.....

...the Al Queda have run out of people to train in the war, so they're sending in the dogs.

HANGOVER!!!!!! What a long weekend. After finishing work saturday at 12.15pm, I drove home and found that the wife, me sister and her boyfriend were still waking up from the previous night out. Yey, me flat is a holiday home for wine-drinking tramps, plus guests lol. To help them wake up from the New Year's Eve slumber, they decided to watch the Band Aid tribute DVD (which I bought the wife for Christmas, four disc ten hour mega edition). We got 3 hours into it, then lost the will to live. Me sister and Neal legged it about an hour in, which I don't blame them whatsoever. Admittedly, there was a beer waiting for me when I got in, which wasn't that bad at all.

So, once settled in, and after cleaning up the mess, we were well settled down for an early night in, when we get a phonecall requesting our assistance to be in the local for a swift drink. We'd decided to just have the one and then go home. I got in at 3am. Urrrrggghhhh. What a laugh though. I'd never heard kareoke as bad as that night; it was another level of badness. There was this married couple and two friends, which included an over-excited Englishman in they're company. He was a complete twunt, as stated by his wife's sister lol. I kind of worked that out, when instead of getting up to sing a song, he gave a two minute "joking speech" about his wife and the Welsh. Then he sang a Tom Jones song. As in "Tom Jones - Welsh Sexual Superhero" Ton Jones for fuck's sake. Bloody awfully too I will add. His wife was not impressed, there were no underwear being thrown at him either. Just as well really, considering the local clientel who were there that night. Did not want to see skids flying in that direction if you know what I mean, the place smelt bad beforehand lol.

Yey for work! After allegedly sorting out me rota probs from last week (still work in progress, but looking good), they've stuck me on answering e-mails, which is infinitely more enjoyable. We receive thousands of e-mails a day, most of which are pure junk. And if our junk filters miss the mail, we've gotta sort out and answer the rest. Here are some which we get;

"Enlarge Your Pen1s With Just 2 Treatments" - this has become a benchmark spam, alongside the Viagra and medical supplies stuff. Just your typical delete.

"Do you want to buy a watch? Click here" - or maybe not. I'd rather go to Argos or something sorry. Delete.

this is an update to inform you about your m o rtga g e a p p roval. April Bruce called from our bank yesterdayto update your situation. Our company will apprve you for 3.45 butwe need some information.
Please fill this form:http://www.
We will take kare of the rest.
Thanks for your time
Lupe" - I've left the spelling mistakes in. Don't click the link, or I will go around your house and beat you. Delete.

"This Message was undeliverable due to the following reason:" - Delete. (You're noticing a theme here).

"Kristin. Afterwards.consience5.abide" - Eh? Delete.

"I need my password, because I can't download my e-mails." - Now this is classic, but I'm not really going to answer this. Main reason being for 2 things;

Subsection 1 - The Data Protection Act prohibits us from sending out sensitive account information other that directly to the account holder, and the account holder only (unless we are notified of an allowed 3rd party by the account holder). To send these details out by e-mail would be deemed unsafe, thus is not an option.

Subsection 2 - You need your password to access your e-mails, which is what you've asked me to send you, via e-mail? How stupid are you? It's like going to a bank cashpoint and demanding to know what your PIN number is. It aint going to work. Ever. (NB If the account holder has a different e-mail address, then it simply falls into Subsection 1 of my whinge).

Bollocks. Back on calls again. Oh well, tis my job I suppose :p

My Gamecube's never been so busy

Bought this for me Gamecube the other day. Good game, but the storyline is well out of whack. All to do with semi-fake religion, and two planets fighting for the same power source. I may as well be watching Eastenders, got no idea what's going on on that either. Only difference being that with the Eastend crew I couldn't give a monkeys what's going on on that, I would be happy of there was a Great Walford fire, and killed off most of the cast. Then hired half of the Tweenies crew on there instead. Back to the game though; it's one of the only games that has a story that grows up as you play it. When you start, you are given these rules which the population abide by (things like angels, the 2nd coming of Martel and things like Devilseeds) , and as you get further in the actual cast start questioning everything in a very intelligent and totally relateable way. Kept me busy. Until I finish it and sell the bastard on lol. About time something like this has come out, instead of another fecking Monkey Ball or Mario game. Oh well.

EDIT: I got home from work earlier, found this waiting for me. You'll need something like Quicktime or Real Media Player to watch it, as it was downloaded from me mobile straight after I saw it. Will speak about tomorrow.

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