Friday, January 14, 2005

2nd day into the time off....

.....and the latest that I've woken up is 8.10am. God damn. Yesterday morning I was rudely awakened by the wife because she couldn't start the car to get to work. Obviously putting the key in the ignition was too fecking hard for a woman. Next up they'll be saying they can parallel park, those crazy women.

Last night, I was trying to get to sleep (after coming back from the pub) and the wife got to sleep first. I can't be doing it right then lol. Other than that, I was trying to get to sleep myself, and suddenly in her sleep Adele mumbled "And I've got the tortoise in the other hand". WHAT? Christ, I dredd to think what's in her first hand, if the other's holding a tortoise. Possibly an Otter, or a squirrel even (avoiding the beaver joke, tis my wife I'm typing about here, gotta have some standards). Maybe tortoise is a buzz word for something else even. Oh god.

My wife has a history of yapping in her sleep, which does lead to some amusement. Especially when she's having a full scale argument too (which is great, as I'm not normally involved in these and can just sit back and laugh at her go off on one at nobody). She doesn't sleep-talk as often as she used to though, which is probably just as well.

There again, about a fortnight ago we were asleep, and at roughly 2am I had a nightmare. I was being assaulted by a few burley blokes, and I didn't take too kindly to one of them. In the dream, one of them jumped at me and I gripped him by the throat with my left hand. I suddenly woke up and I'd actually did the same thing to my wife, which scared the shite out of me. She was just awake, looking at me (she realised that I was still asleep when I started doing this thank god, didn't fancy being one of these reject families on Tricia).

Anyhows, 2nd day into my week off, and I'm off into the City Centre to kill off some time me thinks. It's friday morning, my wife didn't need any assistance to start the car, so I think I'll walk it. It's only about two miles from my flat, it's not raining, it's all downhill and I need the exercise so that is what I'll do. Avoid anyone selling the Big Issue etc. Also...there's a place down there where I used to work a few years back, where after four years of employment I was dismissed due to still-undefined-reasons. This place has apparently closed down in the Swansea area. I'm not 100% certain, but theyhaven't been open since at least last saturday. This is just a personal opinion, but.....

PLEASE SAY THEY'VE GONE BANKRUPT, THE SHOWER OF BASTARDS!!!!!

I'm not mentioning the companies name whatsoever, not after companies have started taking blogs seriously (see previous article with the BBC Blog link). This is my personal opinion, and that's that, nothing more. As I've already said, I'm still not 100% certain, but they have definately been closed down over the last week anyroads. I wish I'd gone to the last day it was open though..."Need any help?"...."Nah, just browsing hah ha!" then walk out :D

Has anyone else had any bad experiences with old jobs in the past? Other than myself, and David Blunkett? Stick a comment down if you have, I could do with a laugh :D

Me old work wasn't all that bad though; we all knew how to have a laugh for example. If you take work too seriously all the time, unless you're in the emergency services, you will do yourself an injury. We've seen and done some real funny things though, for example;

One day, the Queen and Phillip were attending Swansea as part of a National tour. The train station was very close-by, and the Queen 'n' Phil jump into their parade car and set off into town, straight past our work. So we go outside, as it's not every day that you see the Queen go past. We're standing there waving, and Phil see's us and waves back, while the Queen has got a look of shock about her as she is soaking in the tramp-piss tainted surroundings. She must've been thinking "I can't own all this, surely? I'll bring some maids with mops next time".

There's one part of Swansea where a few tramps tend to hang out the most, which is up on a road called High Street. Now up there, we've seen the tramps perform many strange and comical tasks, all while getting smashed on bottles of White Lightning cider.


Ah, the amber of the Tramps

White Lightning, or "Wy Li-nin" as the tramps call it, bless them. There's a few types of tramp by us in Swansea. Some of them are aware of the trouble they're in and are trying to do something positive to help themselves (Big Issue sellers etc). Some just drink the Lightning and piss on the centre of a road junction instead. The worst thing I've ever seen, was a tramp go upto the corner of a road junction opposite the train station, and as cars drove past just squatting down by a bush AND HAD A SHIT, much to the delight of all the passers by. Or was that disgust? Hmmm....who knows....

One particular tramp was actually half-reformed, and did odd-jobs for a local cafe, by getting him to do shopping for the cafe every saturday morning. They'd send him down to Iceland, and he'd come back up High Street pushing a trolley pull of bread etc. Now when I say come back up High Street, I mean come back up THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET, not the bloody pavement. He used to walk with cars swerving to avoid a tramp pushing a trolley in the middle of the bloody road, and then he'd walk out into a busy car junction by the train station even if cars were coming at him, and continue to suicide charge at them. Somehow he was never killed.

Tramps locally have provided many hours of entertainment for us, just by the actions some of them do. We've got the famous Dancing Tramp (tm) which appeared in the film Twin Town. Basically he's a tramp who stands outside nightclubs, dances, then tries to get in the club where the doormen just tell him to feck off. Then he goes to the next one and tries again. He's great.

One of them tried to assault me by a bus stop once in the city centre, which didn't work for the tramp in the slightest bless. I was waiting for a bus (as you do at a bus stop, you know, not waiting for a train, that would be daft) minding my own business, and a tramp walked up to me and booted my bag, while fffing and blinding at me. I would've screamed in her face if I could tell where it was, the bin-linered mollusc. Urrrggggh.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

1 Day Left Before Lay-in Heaven....

.....and I cannae wait as well. No time off since before Christmas, and I've become more cranky than Big Cranky, from the Crankies. I can't wait for the time off, as work cannot spring more surprises on me (for example I for some unexplained reason am working half an hour earlier). Why do they spring these surprises on us? Is it to keep work varied, or to accomondate staff who are off on holidays already? Or is it because they play with themselves at night? Who knows?

B3ta have got a good question on this week, Pure Ignorance . People who've said the stupidest of things, very funny actually. I especially liked the chemist one; "Working in a pharmacy....I once got a phone call from a worried mother who had found some tablets in her daughters room, and she wanted me to help identify them. I asked her about the markings and shape etc. 'Well, quite small and white' she said. I asked her if they had anything wrote on the side of the tablet 'treebor' she said. Problem solved, treebor mighty mints d'oh"

So, just what am I going to do over the next week? Apart from waking up at at least a pm, there's one job in my flat, which I'm almost worried about, which is the TIDYING OF THE DVD CUPBOARD. We have a cupboard, where if something doesn't belong elsewhere, it's dumped here. Due to the amount of stuff placed there though, the cupboard has started to take on it's own personality, almost taunting me with it's evil eyes, laughing in the shadows of despair. Ahem. Needs to be tidied. That also gives me an excuse to catch up on half the DVD's I had for Christmas too, like Bill Bailey's Part Troll. I watched half of that yesterday, was laughing like hell at some of the crap he comes out with. The Argos bit is awesome :) I also watched that Chronicles Of Riddick yesterday. Was ok, but was not Pitch Black whatsoever. Action cash-in with a cool main character from a different type of film. Now what can we do with this Riddick bloke? I know, a futuristic version of Conan the Barbarian, while keeping him a bit evil too. That did annoy me a bit. I've heard Hollywood is getting Keyser Soze to do "Cats; the Musical" next. Bunch of twunts.

Still the game kept alot of the feel of the original Pitch Black (if you don't know what I'm on about, check out The Chronicles Of Riddick, and apart from having Vin Diesel doing the voice over, is one of the most non-merciless games you'll ever see. I got that to play this week too GRINS.

Cash-ins tend to mainly happen in games, but have been happening in alot of films recently. When the games market started picking up, alot of companies realised that any TV or film success can be mirrored in a game, regardless of if it was worth the price or not. The most famous of these flop excuse for games was E.T. on the Atari, where the game was so bad that Atari recalled most of the cartridges and buried them in a desert (I kid you not, that is 100% fact). Since Rambo and Commando (christ, that's going back a bit), it seems that the only games which seem worth mentioning are Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and most things Simpsons related (and that's only 2 out the 100's made of Simpsons games). They've always been rubbish. The main reason that the Riddick game works so well, is because they were given the character, and freedom to place him in an unboundaried environment (I mean the Prison called Butcher Bay is only mentioned twice in both Riddick films ffs, you can't say fairer than that). They could create the game which would solely get the best out of the character, and it works very well.

Now films are starting to do the same thing. We've seen film-from-game tie-ins, like Final Fantasy and Mortal Kombat. Which are god awful. The Tomb Raider films are really bad, even the brilliant Chris Barrie can't save it. And as for Street Fighter....god, don't get me started. Fecking travesty.


What a box of cock.

But....when they are made Manga style, they all seem to retain their genius. They are hailed as great films. As an example, I own Street Fighter the Animated Movie, and that is far better than the Van Damme/Kylie combo. I suppose it could be that we, as gamers, are so used to relating to those characters in their original state (ie cartoony with their own look and agenda), that we see some guy who has the strongest Belgium accent playing the part of an American G.I.? It's no wonder that it tends to pish on me chips a bit. They may as well got Tintin to play him ffs. Still, no excuse, as a film it stank bigtime, and for shame on those hated script writers. I suppose the only thing I can say is, make sure you got a script that will work (not one that looks like the game), and people which we don't hate acting it out, and the fans may actually relate to it, you never know :)

Anyways.....I'm still off for a week though. And I've gotta watch my DVD of Street Fighter seven times before I can go back to work, just as an anaestetic for coming back into work if anything else. The NHS should use this DVD, they'd save a fortune in the next budget.

On a seperate topic, just registered on Blogclicker earlier, got a new link on the right-hand side for it too, assigns alot of extra traffic to the site, for the price of browsing other user's accounts. Horray for everything! Like.

2 Days Left In Work.....

.....then I'm off for a week. Thank christ. This will be my first proper time-off since October time (that's including Christmas, was off for two days for that), except for when I was ill of course. And do you know what I'm going to do? As little as possible. I can't wait :D

Oh god no....Celebrity Big Brother! Another list of hopefuls who really need a career boost have enetered the Big Brother House to entertain people who must be really bored with their own life to watch someone else's. I'm trying to commit suicide at the thought of this with a box of 100 Tic Tacs at the moment, but it doesn't seem to be working. All the Tic Tacs are doing is giving me wind. Let's see who Davina's got this time.

John McCririck - the horse master from Channel 4 Horse Racing is here. Most probably the best celeb in this, he does seem a good laugh and down to earth (well, compared to the other retrobates). You know I mentioned the guy who was dancing in the landlady's PJs (previous article), there's a photo of John McCririck shaking hands and pulling the face with Tommy on the local's billboard.

Germain Greer - a 65 year old feminist who is in it for charity apparently. Roughly translates to rug-muncher ringleader. Well, that's if I interpret it, which is much more fun :)

Bez - except for being named after a hat, Bez is most famous for being a dancer from the Happy Mondays. Must have been a super-sub or something.

Caprice - supermodel Caprice is in the house; she done modelling, she's tried a music career, now she's trying for the wanker's votes, I mean, public's votes (let's be honest, it's only the wankers who will be voting for her).

Lisa L'Anson - a Radio 1 presenter, maybe there's some hope in this program after all.

Jeremy Edwards - or "smug twat" as his friends call him. An actor from Holby City and Hollyoaks, which if you're from anywhere outside the UK you will never see these programs ever, which is just as well. Think's he's Angel.


Jeremy Edwards = Smug Git

Kenzie - Kenzie is one of the guys from Blazing Squad. Is he? Oh well. Apparently according to the Big Brother site he's "looking forward to bringing quite a musical vibe into the house". Blazing Squad are losing out then obviously :p

Brigitte Neilsen - Sly Stallone's ex wife. Oh good lord. What a fecking retrobate. She's basically a horny and rather scary woman, which has lost her 80's looks, and her fame as well. God help Kenzie :)

New Bonus Guest Jackie Stallone - just introduced into the house to stir the crap up, Brigitte's ex mother-in-law is there to wind up Brigitte every time she tries copping onto someone.

So there's the guests, and the T.V. schedule for E4 for the next couple of weeks. They must have run out of re-runs of Friends. I'm sticking to the Cartoon Network.

Over the last couple of posts, I've been travelling into my memories and laughing at times past. There have been some damn funny things which have happened, some of which I'm never going to type on here (just for the fact that me mam reads this blog too, aint she got anything better to do?). I've mentioned some instances of school, and one or two things that have happened in the area. I've seen joyriders changing tyres on stolen cars, people steal in the most blatant of ways in Argos (and get caught too), and had someone wave a gun at me in a pub while crazily saying "there's people out to get me, so I got one of these". Nice bloke. Still though, I've seen some mad things. For example, I used to part-live in a residents on top of a pub in Swansea High Street called The Bush, which at that time was a very popular two floor pub, and I also worked there for a bit too. They had a load of pool tables there as well, which were on the 1st floor. There were a load of windows to the right of these, which overlooked the downstairs roof and the roof of the adjoining building. The 2nd floor had six residents flats, with windows all looking over the same roof. It was a wednesday night before Christmans, around 7pm. I was off work that night and me and my girlfriend at the time were up in the room, and was going to settle down to watch some video. The T.V. video combo were situated right in front of the window, where with the light on in the room I'm silhouted to what's outside in the dark. I glance outside, and see something move on the roof. I turn around to the missus and shout "Turn the light off ffs, there's someone sneaking about outside!". She cuts off the light, and I can see better. What I see is some girl spread-eagled on the roof while some random bloke, while holding a can of carling, is....errm....drinking from the furry cup so to speak (sorry mum!). We glance out the window, and are laughing quite a bit at this. So the missus comes up with a good idea which is "all the regulars are in the pub downstairs, get them up here and give them a show!". So I leggit downstairs, tell all the staff and the regulars, and within a minute that are 13 of us in there glancing outside. Only problem being.......

......there are now three blokes with her. And she's loving it. Dirty little slapper.

The staff run downstairs and bring back THE REST OF THE PUB. We've invaded three of the flats by now for a better view; even the landlady's there watching this. After about ten minutes of this, one of the staff get's bored of watching, open's the window and shout's "Gerrem out!". They all stand up, a bit bemused, and all the windows in the pub open to see us all watching and laughing at them. The three guys stand up, and bow while laughing, and the girl walks away covering her face. One of the barstaff then yelled "Dunno why you're covering you face, we've seen the rest of you!".

So we all go down to the pub laughing, and two minutes later the three blokes from the roof come in for a pint. Quality guys for a quality whore.

EDIT: check this out. Before and after images of the Tsunami from 2 weeks ago, shocking stuff.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Yey for Pool

The Sunday League Pool season started again last night. Our team had a match in a pub in Brynhyfryd (I bet I spelt it wrong, no vowels ffs). Nice bunch of lads, even though when one of them lost his match he almost smashed his cue up. Pillock. We still beat them though, which is great considering that none of us have played properly in a month. There was one funny thing about it though; there was a fly annoying everyone in the pub. Now with regards to this fly (apart from having flies in a pub, which is always classy), it must have been the stupidest fly imaginable. As one of our guys went to break off in a frame, the fly literally lands on the tip of the cue. As if it's wanting to be crushed between tip and cueball, the fly just waited until he shook the cue about eight times to dislodge it. When I was reffing a match (we have to ref some games each), the fly landed on the side of the pool table. Except that the fly landed UPSIDE-DOWN. And couldn't get back up. How dull have you go to be to land upside-down? There again, it was a pub, maybe it was half-cut.

Anyhows.....

Morning all. Suppose I'd better find some links or sommit....


For shame!

Check this out, click here to play some weird game involving catapulting dogs as high as possible. Tis all in Japanese though, but still fun.

Also found this, which must have taken the bloke ages to do all of these sculptures. Some people just need a hooby, if only for medical reasons.

Christ, had this e-mailed to me by Morris (cheers mate, even though you're name's not Morris), BBC News Article About Blogs. Now even if you're just browsing etc, IF YOU HAVE A BLOG READ THIS BBC ARTICLE FOR FECK'S SAKE. It's a news article about people who write blogs and say information about their own workplace. They give an example of someone who was publishing alot of info about work, work found out and subsequently fired her ass. Now I've been careful enough not to mention the company that I work for during all of my blog so far, and just as well after seeing this. I mean come on, use some sense people! I've taken the line that everyone to a certain degree has bad things to say about work (even if it's just something like "the coffee machine's giving mud instead of amazing instant"). But what you don't do is involve every bastard and the company and publically denounce them from the inside out. No wonder she's landed in a job centre, the pillock.

God, saturday night was a laugh. Went to the local, and one of the resident nutters Tommy decided to dress up in the landlady's PJs and kareoke. These PJs were bright pink silk, and he was also wearing bunny slippers too. He got up and sang Elvis's Teddy Bear, and kicked off the performance by shouting out "Let's kick some shit!". Damn funny bloke :)

Otherwise, apart from the pool match 'n' that, was a pretty lame weekend as such. Had a late morning wake-up yesterday, which is always appreciated. As I'm a lazy git. When I get home today, I do plan to put my feet up and watch "Chronicles of Riddick". Heard it's crap, but hey, life's a learning experience. Just got off the phone to a bloke who after I fixed his problems very quickly, I was greeted with "Thanks love!". No, thank you for ending the call mate, no offence. I don't play football at Home and Away venues if you know what I mean.

EDIT: just been sent this, basically billboards for slapheads. The bigger your slap, the more money you rake in. Great idea, if you're retarded.
 

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